PDA: Public Display of Appetite
It was a blisteringly hot Wednesday at two in the afternoon, and the horseshoe on campus was filled with students bustling to and from their classrooms. But not me.
I sat lounging on a set of steps in the center of it all, displaying myself for all to see while I nervously ate my lunch. But it wasn’t the 90 degree heat, nor the 110% humidity that caused my sweaty nausea. It was eating in public. And it’s not like I was daintily eating a bunch of grapes - I was downing a fully-loaded, meaty, drippy sub. And it wasn’t pretty.
So, why was I forcing myself to ugly-eat a sandwich at the height of class-changes? Because the key to breaking free from semi-recovery is by rooting out sneaky safety behaviors.
Safety behaviors can be anything. They can range from relying more heavily on “safer” foods, to insisting on being the one to prepare the food. And sometimes, these sneaky behaviors aren’t entirely about doing things to calm your disorder. Sometimes, safety behaviors are more about avoiding things that make your disorder uncomfortable in the first place. Likewise, one super common safety behavior in recovery is - you guessed it:
Avoiding eating in public.
So, let’s get into it:
When I say eating, I mean eating. I’m not talking about nibbling on some finger foods or sipping a smoothie. I’m talking full-on, satisfying, everybody’s-gotta-eat eating. And in the context of semi-recovery, it’s often the case that you’re fairly comfortable eating in certain scenarios, but eating in public? That’s another whole beast.
==> So, how can you tell if your fear of PDA is a safety behavior?
Ask yourself this:
“Do I avoid…
…eating in public, like on the beach or in a park?”
…eating at parties?”
…eating more than those around me?”
…eating when nobody else is?”
…eating when I don’t know how the food was prepared?”
…finishing my plate when I’m around people?”
…helping myself to seconds?”
…eating more than a guy?” Or even;
“Do I purposely eat slower when I’m around others?”
If your answer’s “yes” to any of these…
Congratulations! You just found yourself a new safety behavior to weed out.
(And it’s not entirely your fault.)
Eating enough is all but forbidden by women in our current culture. Sure, it’s acceptable to eat giant salads and green smoothies, but I’d argue (and win) that a bunch of roughage isn’t legitimately enough to offer sufficient vitamins and nutrients in order to thrive. Yet this is what the common narrative of femininity expects of us: eat less meat, take smaller bites. Think of it this way: there’s a reason why so many women are infatuated with the Gilmore Girls diet.
My point being:
The reason it’s so hard to eat enough in public is because it’s not normal.
And by normal, I mean average, because normal eating isn’t even the norm.
But here’s the thing:
Our culture will never change if we never change it.
As long as the majority of women continue to give in to the oppressive ideals that are expected of us, those same ideals will continue to hold sway. But, the more we act in accordance with our values, the more we normalize what’s normal to begin with: eating food.
It reminds me of an instagram hashtag created by Alissa Rumsey called #womeneatingfood. It was started as a way for women to share unfiltered versions of themselves eating real, delicious, messy food. And it was created as a backlash against the cultural expectations put upon women regarding food.
Case in point: Literally google “Women Eating” right now, and the majority of images that pull up are women eating salad. The rest are women eating “junk food,” with ominous titles warning us against the dangers of eating that way.
Bottom line: it’s not your fault if you’re afraid of PDA.
So, how do you recover despite the very legitimate fear of PDA?
The same method as everything else in recovery:
Do what makes you uncomfortable.
Grab another slice of pizza. Eat fish & chips on the beach. Order an ice cream when nobody else wants one. Because while nothing is more important than your full recovery from an eating disorder, if you ever hesitate with challenging PDA safety behaviors, remember this: Your bravery will inspire somebody else. By actively going against your fears, you’re not only recovering yourself; you’re giving other women the permission to live freely, as well.
By recovering, you’re effectively changing our culture.
Recovery is a feminist act.
As for me: remember that sub I ate in the middle of campus? I did that every day for two weeks. And despite my nauseating fear, you know what happened? Absolutely nothing.
None of my fears came to fruition. Nobody gawked at me. Nobody stopped their daily trek to jeer at me. Nobody thought ill of me for simply eating lunch in public. Nothing happened, except that I stopped being afraid of it. And I got one step closer to remission.
So remember this:
It’s okay to feel afraid of recovery. Actually, it’s not just OK, it’s a good sign. Keep pushing against your fears, because that’s the surest sign you’re succeeding.
I promise:
Nothing bad will ever come from challenging your safety behaviors.
Rooting for you always,
Maria
