Reuniting with Your Self
Most people see eating disorders for the killer that they are.
And it’s true! This view is justified. I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear that eating disorders carry the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses. In the US alone, someone dies as the direct result of an eating disorder every 52 minutes. It’s easy to see these statistics and think poorly of those who are afflicted.
The narrative goes:
They should have fought harder.
All they had to do was eat.
They gave up.
But honestly, I see the affliction as a fierce stab at life.
Here’s why:
Taking it back to the very simplified basics: eating disorders are heritable mental illnesses which mimic anxiety and OCD. It’s sufferers feel compulsions to accomplish unhealthy feats, and anxiety when those compulsions are delayed.
For a person suffering with disordered eating, their experience isn’t just “giving in” to their illness; it’s fighting to live free from anxiety. Sadly, it can take many years for someone to realize that appeasing their disorder only makes it worse.
Over time, those compulsions become more and more invasive, making it all too easy to lose sight of the life you were fighting for in the first place. Sometimes, the struggle between person and illness stops being juxtaposed, and instead becomes one and the same.
Instead of trying to follow Rules #191 and #270 so they can enjoy time with family and friends, the compulsions and anxiety become so strong, that the tables turn: family and friends become the unwelcome obstacle to following these rules.
The goal of recovery is multifaceted. It can happen in any order, or all at once, but the general benchmarks to reach before remission are:
Unrestricted Eating
Rest
Re-training; &
Reuniting with Your Self
This fourth benchmark is probably the most overlooked criterion in recovery, which is why I think it’s the main reason so many women never reach full remission.
What I’m getting at is this:
In order to reach remission, you must find meaning beyond food.
It makes sense, right? Without a reason to experience and enjoy life, there’s little motivation to fully recover. Without a sense of self outside of your illness, the illness becomes your identity. And who would want to purposely shed their own identity?
Here’s what I’m proposing:
If you’re stuck being semi-recovered, and you desire full remission, my advice to you is…
Reunite with your self.
Forget the way you see yourself with your disorder. Forget the lie that you “love” spending your free time doing sh*tty workouts. Forget identifying as “The Athletic One,” or “The Healthy One,” or “The Good Cook,” or “The Runner.” Forget the lie that you hate yummy foods, holidays, or relaxing on the weekend.
These things aren’t who you are: they’re the version of you that’s obedient to your disorder.
Instead, do this:
Explore what you like and dislike.
Try new things.
Read new books.
Play new games.
Join new sports.
Wear new styles.
Eat new foods.
Meet new people.
Explore new places.
Break out of the cocoon of safety, and become reacquainted with your self.
Learn who it is you truly are, and become her with all your heart.
My hunch is, you’ll like it a lot more than just being alive to follow the rules.
Cheers to who you are,
💓
Maria
