Seeking Discomfort
My husband and I are currently taking a road trip across America. And let me tell you, driving from the Pacific Northwest to the East Coast is no easy feat. But honestly…
I can only imagine how tricky this trip would be if I were still in recovery.
So many parts of this adventure would’ve normally thrown me for a MAJOR loop.
Currently (and for the past week), we’ve been eating out for every meal, and the quick and easy choice is unfailingly the option we choose at every stop.
The foods I’ve been eating are different from my usual picks, meal times are different, amounts are different, snacking is constant, meals are blending together, and hunger cues are all over the place. Sometimes I’m eating because I know it’s a good opportunity. Sometimes I don’t if I’m not hungry. And sometimes I’m just eating because I feel like it. Sometimes I’m eating more than I’m hungry for, and other times, I’m not able to eat as much as I’d like. But every time: my eating is entirely erratic, unplanned, and uneventful.
But it’s also totally fine with me.
And it got me wondering…
How can I help you make eating a blasé event, too? Even if (or, especially if) it’s completely out of control?
When food is unplannable, inconsistent, and even unpleasant, how do you get to a place where all of that is just… blasé?
Here’s what came up for me:
It’s SO EASY to get stuck in a routine. We can put dinners on accidental rotation, eat snacks at the same time, drink the same amount of water when we wake, and so on and so forth.
And this isn’t inherently damaging, but here’s the thing:
In recovery, routine itself can become a safety behavior.
Let me explain:
To preface this idea, it’s important to tell you one thing first, just to make sure we’re on the same page:
Remission is not a permanent, fixed state.
Eating disorders are not curable in that they cannot be extricated from your person. Rather, when in remission, your disorder becomes dormant.
Good news is: it can remain dormant for the entire rest of your lifetime. But the catch is, it’s all up to you whether you remain in remission indefinitely or not.
Meaning: you can always relapse.
Therefore…
Remission is all about avoiding relapse.
Much like an alcoholic can fall off the wagon (or get on the wagon?) from having just one drink, it’s always possible to relapse into disordered eating again. All it can take is one day of dieting, one food you’re avoiding, or one day without sufficient food. And I know what you’re thinking:
Does this mean I’ll always be fighting the urge to be disordered??
And my answer is an absolute, resounding: NO. I promise: you don’t have to worry about this.
Here’s why:
Let’s get something straight: After enjoying the kind of full and rewarding life that’s inherent to remission, it’s not likely that you’ll suddenly have the desire to go back to the misery of an active eating disorder anytime soon.
Why would you want to relapse when remission is incomparably better, right??
Exactly.
In truth, remission really is freedom from disordered thoughts and urges.
So, more to my point:
In order to enjoy a robust and lasting remission, it’s important to recognize the ways in which you might be tempted to relapse in the first place. And because remission is so obviously superior to disorder from the perspective of your healed mind, relapse is almost certainly never going to be a conscious choice.
Translation: in the same way that your eating disorder was triggered initially, it can be triggered again.
For instance, think about the very start of your eating disorder. Was there a defining moment where you consciously crossed the line into disordered eating? I’d be willing to bet not.
It’s not like you one day woke up and said to yourself, “I think I’ll have an eating disorder now.” Rather, your eating disorder, which is an inherent biological condition, was triggered by something. And, almost certainly, that something was energy deficiency.
More specifically:
Significant energy deficit activates an eating disorder in those who are predisposed to the condition.
And there’s one super important distinction to make here:
An energy deficit can be realized in multiple ways. Because of how much happier you are in remission, it’s very unlikely the energy deficit will be a conscious choice to restrict food. Rather, it can mean a bout of the stomach flu, a period of over-exertion, or any other form of accidental restriction, or anything that creates a significant energy deficit in the body.
Point being:
your illness is not a choice, it’s a condition.
And if you’re not yet in remission (as in, you’re still in recovery), there’re ways your remission can be stalled or put on the back-burner. I mention them here, but, it bears repeating:
The path from recovery to full remission is paved by uprooting insidious safety behaviors.
What do I mean by “insidious safety behaviors”?
The most ubiquitous examples of insidious safety behaviors are the socially acceptable disordered behaviors we unknowingly and automatically cling to in recovery. Think: vegetarianism, natural food only, prioritizing socially valued foods, etc. That’s because our immediate environment doesn’t challenge them. So, as a result, they fly under the radar. And this only comes back to bite us because adhering to them causes you to inadvertently hold yourself back from reaching a full remission.
Here’s how it works:
Insidious safety behaviors ameliorate any remaining disordered anxiety around food. Which means they can only be discovered and uprooted through trial and error. And, most pertinent to this article, remember how I mentioned that routine can become a safety behavior? Well, that’s because these behaviors are often hidden - seemingly innocuously - in your very routine.
Safety behaviors obviously look different for everyone, but to give you an idea of what I’m talking about, they might look something like:
Eating food in a specific order,
Eating at specific times,
Eating specific amounts of certain foods,
Habits done before or after eating,
Accepting culturally common negative beliefs around food (like certain foods being morally superior or powerful enough to induce illness),
Avoiding too much of a certain food in a given timeframe, or;
Eating certain foods only after having performed anxiety-quelling behaviors.
You might read this list and think:
“This is all good, Maria, but I don’t have a full-blown disorder any more. I’ve been in recovery for a while.”
But that’s exactly my point.
If you’re still in recovery, without a doubt: you’re still practicing safety behaviors.
They’re just harder to identify the closer you get to remission.
I already mentioned how socially acceptable disordered behaviors can get lost in the cracks. So, if you never bend down with our magnifying glasses to take a closer look, you’ll never reach full remission.
So, what’s the solution?
I’ll answer that question with a story.
Last night, after a long day of driving through hazardous weather, we hit the hotel restaurant for a bite to eat. And guess what the waitress’ shirt said right on the front?
“seek discomfort”
Honestly, that phrase couldn’t be more poignant to today’s article. Because my long-winded writing is finally laying way to my point: in recovery, you must expose yourself to all matter of discomfort. And if your recovery has stalled, it’s a sure thing you’ve gotten too comfortable.
Translation:
Eat different foods. At different times. In different amounts. And different places.
Here’s why:
Doing this does three amazing things for you:
It brings previously hidden disordered behaviors or beliefs to the surface,
Which allows you the opportunity to then challenge them,
Which then brings you closer to remission.
And BONUS:
If you’re already in remission, it acts as insurance against relapsing.
So, maybe a cross-country road trip is out of the question for you right now. But I guarantee you, there’s other ways that you can do this exercise:
Go out to eat.
Shop at different stores for food.
Buy something you’ve never tried.
Eat something out of convenience.
Seek discomfort.
Whatever it be, lean into the extra-ordinary, and embrace the unusual.
And remember: the only possible outcome is a stronger remission.
So grateful for you,
♥️
Maria
