“Veganism Helped Me Recover”
Did I ever tell you I was vegan for two years in my recovery?
To clarify, they weren’t even two consecutive years. For my first year, I tried everything under the sun. I ate seasonally, locally, raw only, raw til four, gluten free, oil free, fat free, and even low carb (and yes, that last one was as mind-bending as you can imagine). Thing is, I felt so sick the first go-around, that I was forced to take a step back.
Inevitably, I wasn’t ready to tackle the work of recovering without food rules, so, grasping for straws, I decided to give veganism another go. I figured, ‘My eating disorder doesn’t scream at me as much if I do this, but at least I’m eating more! Which means I’m recovered… right?’
Wrong. Second time around, I decided to go all-in by being not-so-strict, taking my vitamins, and essentially being a ‘junk food vegan.’ My hair fell out in chunks, my stomach was permanently distended, I had crippling anxiety, my joints were aching and swollen, I couldn’t digest food to save my life, I was starving, I couldn’t sleep through the night, and I shivered for five months straight.
Spoiler alert: being an ‘anti-diet’ vegan didn’t work, either.
Veganism has some interesting tie-ins to those suffering from eating disorders. It’s obviously appealing because not only is it restrictive, but it has various sects of restriction carved into its already extreme rigidity (i.e. Raw ’Til Four, Fruitarian, gluten free, the McDougall Diet, etc). But perhaps most importantly: it’s culturally acceptable.
Despite its blatant ability to simultaneously mask and promote an eating disorder, veganism is also super connected to eating disorder recovery.
But why??
At first glance, this makes absolutely no sense. After all, why would one of the most restrictive diets be something people are following in recovery? But I say unto thee: don’t underestimate the power of The Vegangelicals.
I used to read a vegan food blog called The Full Helping. And the author had a section of her blog called Green Recovery Stories, wherein various vegans would guest post about how veganism “saved” them from their eating disorders. And honestly, at the time, I found it seriously convincing. Never mind the fact that they were telling me exactly what I wanted to hear:
*You can get rid of your psychologically all-consuming eating disorder, and still be healthy & skinny, AND not have to participate in the barbarous circle of life! Just go vegan!*
And let me tell you, this was music to my ears! Why eat pancakes when I could be drinking pureed lettuce smoothies? Why eat dessert when I could be breaking my teeth on unsweetened baker’s chocolate? (Because sugar isn’t vegan, either.) And why suffer through the torture of a burger, when I could be eating beans?!?
Look, here’s the thing:
First off, let’s just get the moral superiority argument out of the way. There are so many humans that are enslaved, forced to work, mistreated, under-compensated, and even sexually abused to get your food (yes, even your vegan food) shipped out to all the overstocked grocery stores we have. You want proof? You can read that here.
And with that out of the way, we can discuss the heart of the matter:
Veganism is just another set of rules.
Guess what the number one thing you need to let go of in recovery? Rules! You cannot reach remission from an eating disorder without first:
Weeding out and disabling every fear you have around food, and;
Eating lots of food, indiscriminately.
So, plain and simple:
As long as you’re holding onto any form of restriction, you will never reach remission.
Sorry, but it’s true.
I use the alcoholism analogy a lot, and I’m using it again here:
Would you ever invite your recovered alcoholic friend to a bar? Would you order them ‘just one drink’ and assume that they’ll be unaffected by it? Would you expect them to drink the same as any non-afflicted person in the bar? No? Well then, why should we expect those recovering from eating disorders to continue eating ‘in moderation,’ or ‘eating healthy,’ or generally just clinging onto any rules around food?
The answer is: we shouldn’t!
Oftentimes, we stay stuck in semi-recovery because we think the ‘healthy lifestyle’ we’re following is helping us. You might assume that veganism helped you recover, because now you’re acting in a socially acceptable way, and maybe even eating socially acceptable amounts of food again. But the thing is, I’ve been there. And I can tell you from experience: these things you’re telling yourself aren’t full truths.
Actually, they’re bullsh*t.
Veganism isn’t helping you recover, it’s a socially passable way to remain disordered.
Essentially, veganism offers you a viable excuse to restrict food. And, let’s be honest, anorexia loves nothing more than obsessing over the food you can’t eat. But if we’re being honest, just because a diet (whatever it be) is accepted as a part of the norm, that doesn’t mean it’s a good option for you, or really even an option at all, if you want to reach remission. In the same way that social drinking isn’t an option for a recovered alcoholic.
I want to be clear that it’s not your fault if you felt like veganism (or any other wellness diet) was helping you. In all honesty, it’s an understandable, well-intentioned stab at recovery. I did it, too. But in the end, these diets are nothing but misleading.
Remember this:
You will never reach remission if you’re still hanging on to food rules. And you will never reverse the energy deficit in your body by just eating what energy-balanced people eat every day. (And especially if you’re only eating what dieters consume to lose weight.)
What it really comes down to is this:
Veganism, like all other socially passable diets, is a safety behavior.
So long as you adopt the rules of any diet (even the ones promising you health, youth, and integrity), you’ll never have to face challenging your disordered compulsions. And, in case you didn’t know:
That’s the definition of being stuck in semi-recovery.
Just because a diet helps you eat more food than you did before, or even helps you let go of some food rules, ultimately, that’s because it’s appealing to your eating disorder. Just like, even if a form of working out makes your self-flagellation more socially acceptable, you’d still be running your body into the ground.
The hard truth is, these attempt at recovery are still making you feel “safe.” Sure, they might challenge your illness in minor ways, but they hand your eating disorder an excuse slip before it can truly feel challenged. And that’s the exact opposite of what you need in order to progress toward remission.
If you’re following veganism - or really any health or wellness diet - in recovery, I’d urge you to experiment outside the rules. What would happen if you decided to eat the foods that aren’t allowed on those diets? Would that give you anxiety at all? If so, I’d highly encourage you to let it go entirely.
Veganism is not your destiny. Remission is.
Check out my guide, Recover From Your Eating Disorder, for the 3-Step Method that’ll help you reach the remission you deserve.
