Fearing Hunger

At the onset of recovery, I was starving.

I ate an entire brick of Kerrygold at a time. entire packages of bacon, tubs of Nutella, pounds of meat, boxes of cookies, and bricks of cheese. And that’s not even the half of it.

To say I was full would be the understatement of the century.

And after each meal, I was in so much physical pain, all I’d be able to do for the next two hours was just sit up straight, and digest. Yet somehow… I’d get hungry again.

Not only did eating these meals leave me feeling painfully full, but I felt entirely out of control. I had absolutely no power over how much I ate: it was the strongest, most primal urge I’d ever experienced.

Honestly… I was so scared.

The amount of food I was eating felt impossible, but what’s worse is the people around me were acknowledging my worst fear: I was out of control. And I needed to reign it in.

Eating disorder professionals diagnosed me with binge eating disorder, my treatment team pushed talking about childhood trauma, and the campus psychiatrist sent me off with prescriptions. But honestly, I didn’t know what sort of Freudian issue was wrong with me, and I didn’t care. I was just hungry.

Over time, I learned to fear my own hunger. I carried snacks with me everywhere, I ate the very second I felt the slightest twinge of hunger, and if I started to feel hungry without any food around… I panicked.

My fear of bingeing was palpable, and trying to prevent it took full priority over my life. But the thing is, no matter what I did, bingeing was inescapable. And I felt so much shame. I remember thinking, “I used to have the strongest grasp on restriction. What happened to me?? I must have BED!”

Fast forward to today, and I’m living proof of what I now know:

I didn’t have binge eating disorder. I was experiencing Loss-of-Control Eating.

If that makes you say, “Maria, you’re losing me. What the heck is Loss-of-Control Eating?? Sounds like you’re making it up.” Allow me to explain:

Loss-of-Control Eating (LOC Eating) (noun):

A persistent hunger and inability to stop eating, regardless of the desire to stop, or physical sensations of fullness.

Unlike bingeing, which occurs only in those with a diagnosable, psychological inability to restrict…

Loss-of-Control Eating is a symptom of withholding nourishment from your body.

Let’s break it down:

If you’ve ever restricted food, raise your hand. 👋🏼 That automatically disqualifies you from being diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder (BED). Further, as per the transdiagnostic model of eating disorders that I explained here, if you’re unable to stop yourself from eating copious amounts of food in recovery, what you’re experiencing is LOC Eating, which is a transient response to restriction, not a permanent diagnosis.

So, how do you stop stuffing yourself to the gills?

The answer is: you have to ameliorate what caused the LOC eating in the first place. Meaning…

You have to stop restricting.

Like I say with all else in eating disorder recovery: you must eat your way to remission. Your body is doing exactly what it needs to be doing. Over time, you’ll fill the energy gap created by disordered eating, and when all damage has been repaired, I promise: you’ll no longer feel the urge to eat such large quantities. I totally geek out on this in my ebook, so if you’re looking for a more in-depth read, check it out here.

But the bottom line is:

Your extreme hunger is normal and expected.

I promise, you will not be the one person in all of human history that inexplicably develops BED after experiencing a restrictive eating disorder. And with enough time and food, your LOC Eating phase will come to an end.

As Robert Frost says, “the best way out is always through.”

I believe in you,

Maria